What's going on in my head

Mood: obvious isn't it?
Listening to: "When You Were Mine" by Cyndi Laupler
Reading: Twitches #8
Watching: Cyberseduction

I hate my life....
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I'm kicked outta my house... I don't know what to do anymore. I have no one. I'm sitting here breaking down bawling my eyes out and no one cares... and the people who would care... I can't get ahold of... I need to get away but yet my problem is I don't wanna leave. What I need is my friends back... everyone left me and I'm all alone. Everyone is long-distance so I can't even call anyone. Kevin was suppose to be back tonight but I went over to his house to ask what time and OJ said tomarrow... so I'm gonna be alone to deal with my thoughts all on my own again for the third night in a row... would be 5 nights but Kev was here one of those nights and fell asleep on me. That didn't help me any now did it?... I just want... I don't know... I don't wanna share a room with my sister... I mean come on... it's Sam... I'll kill her... it never worked with us sharing a room. I mean... that room has been host to some of the best times... and some of the worst times... of my life. So many memories... I don't wanna ever give it up. Not ever!
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I can't call Jen cause it's long distance... I can't call Kyle cause I don't have a number... I can't call Kev cause it's long distance and they never answer the phone anyways.... and Justin is on an activity and won't be back till around 7ish.
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I should just give it all up.... there's no one I can talk to.... no one understands me... everyone thinks I'm some big baby who cries all the time and doesn't want to grow up... well that's true... I am a big baby who doesn't want to grow up. I hate my life. I wouldn't mind having a job... it's just the getting one that's hard. But even if I had a job... that wouldn't be enough for these people. Kev said (yesterday)that I should stop thinking like the world is out to get me but I can't help it. I feel like everyone hates me and nobody seems to want me not even my own mother wants me anymore. She wants to get rid of me... she doesn't love me.
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I have no choices... I have no future.. what the hell am I even still doing here on earth... Kevin also told me yesterday that I should just kill myself and go to hell and that would solve my problems... maybe he's right.... maybe that would solve everybody's problems... me just offing myself. Nobody cares about me or anything... the people I thought cared about me have proved me wrong... like as in Kevin... i thought he cared... but I guess he doesn't... at all. I'm done with him... with friends like him who needs enemies.
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And like Kyle... why hasn't he called me? It's been 24 days now since I've heard from him... he's suppose to be my best friend.... he called and told me his sister got a new cell phone and then he doesn't call. Why would he call to tell me that... to rub it in when he doesn't call me.... Kev also said that I make it out to be like the world is against me. Well... isn't it? It sure as fuck feels like the world is against me. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself and my life and the way I'm leading it into a deep black hole. I can't stand it.
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Jen.... Jen at least loves me... I know that much... Jen loves me... and I am a horrible friend to her... I gotta stop that... I don't wanna stop what I'm doing but... I lvoe Jen so much... I may be.... never mind... but... she's my best friend and I love her so much... that stupid fucker Matt won't let me call her. It's not like it will cost any money... it's free weekends.... now I have some motivation to get a job... to hire a hit man and have Matt knocked the fuck off. I mean it... it's not just the phone thing either... the world would be such a better place if he wasn't in it! I hate that fucker... he bosses us all around and he breaks my mom down emotionally with words... he's only really hit her once but to me that's enough... I want him dead.... I hate him! I don't want my mom to have to deal with his bull shit anymore. I jsut figured out the perfect solution to all of our housing problems... I'll kill Matt myself and go to jail... then there will be two less people my mom has to take care of. Yay... what a great problem solver I am... I can just go to jail... of course... I'll never lose my virginity in jail... unless I'm raped by some cop or something... ewwww... or a girl... even more ewww.... gawd!
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I'm gonna post this now but work on it somemore and post it updated later... I just wanna send a link to a certain someone who doesn't actually care about me so won't read this and definatly won't comment because he hates me and thinks I should kill myself... some best friend he is huh? ..... WML...

I love Justin David Tilkins